I get in this mind set where I just need to sit down and write, and then I try, and I hit the ‘delete’ key more than the letters. Sometimes I can write for hours, other times I have the urge, the need and feeling to write, but I get stuck and nothing comes out. I get scared I won’t be able to write again, and then I remember that it’s there, it’s in my head, everything I need to write is in my mind, I just need to find it again, but I know it’s there. This is one of those nights.
I remember when I first heard this, and I had chills like you couldn’t imagine.
Lots of video posts tonight, sorry.
One year ago, I gave myself to someone. I opened up, I gave them my trust, I let them inside my mind and inside my heart. I never thought I would experience the pain that followed that relationship, if that is even what you could call it. To this day I see myself as merely someone filling that spot until it’s true owner returned, I was right.
I dug myself into a hole, I cut, I drank, I smoked, I hurt myself in any way I knew how to try and escape what I didn’t want to face. Happiness seemed pointless to me, when I looked around I didn’t see anything to smile about. I had given so much and received nothing back, more so had it thrown back in my face.
Eventually, and I’m not sure what did it, but I pulled myself up and faced life right in the eye and said I wouldn’t let myself be hurt like that again. I stopped seeing myself as a pawn in his pathetic game, and instead as a young girl who needed to find her feet again. As hard as it was at times, I pushed forward and made sure I kept going and didn’t stop. Like an endless road, with no destination, and no idea where it’s heading, moved forward because it was far better then turning around and going back to where I’d come from.
Looking back it was the worst time of my life, I was let down again, and what made it hurt so much wasn’t the fact somebody else became involved, it was merely the point that after everything he knew I had experienced, after how hard it was for me to trust another male after being let down by the most important one in my life, he followed in his footsteps and left.
He took my life from me, everything, happiness, friends, my heart, independence, faith, and instead all he left me was fear and depression.
I won’t ever thank him for what he did to me, some would say it made me stronger, others would say weaker. Regardless, I didn’t need it. I already knew how to stand on my own two feet, I didn’t need that tested. Sure, I grew from it, but I didn’t need to, I was already strong, but when I let go of that, and stopped focussing on being strong, I became the weakest person I didn’t even know I could be.
So one year has gone, and now I’m strong again. I have faced the man who let me down most, I have seen his new life, I have lived it, I have experienced it and I have loved it. I have seen the boy who let me down on very few occasions, two to be exact, it didn’t phase me, I felt nothing. He will never be named on this blog, he knows who he is, he doesn’t need to satisfaction of seeing his name in writing.
Now I’m happy, because I have someone who I know won’t hurt me, he won’t leave me, and he won’t betray me. He cares about me like I never thought anyone would, he doesn’t care about my past, only our future. I have smiled every day for months now, and it feels so amazing. My scars are faint, yet they will always be clear and remembered in my mind and heart. But I am happy, I am, for the first time in 2 years, in love and it feels amazing. He is amazing, we are amazing, and if one day he sees this I want him to know,
I love you, thank you for believing in us, you are incredible <3
So incredibly happy at the moment, everything is going perfectly, only 5 and 1/2 more months of school 7 months till my 18th, 10ish months until I go away, 17 more months until I see Dad, 21 more months until I start Uni. The next 4 years is pretty much planned.
“She was breathing deeply, she forgot the cold, the weight of beings, the insane or static life, the long anguish of living or dying. After so many years running from fear, fleeing crazily, uselessly, she was finally coming to a halt. At the same time she seemed to be recovering her roots, and the sap rose anew in her body, which was no longer trembling. Pressing her whole belly against the parapet, leaning toward the wheeling sky, she was only waiting for her pounding heart to settle down, and for the silence to form in her. The last constellations of stars fell in bunches a little lower on the horizon of the desert, and stood motionless. Then, with an unbearable sweetness, the waters of the night began to fill her, submerging the cold, rising gradually to the center of her being, and overflowing wave upon wave to her moaning mouth. A moment later, the whole sky stretched out above her as she lay with her back against the cold earth.”
- Albert Camus
