It has been a while since I found the time to sit down, on my own, completely alone and just let my mind pour into words onto this blog of self expression and thought. But I have found a moment, of total isolation from my busy and sometimes hectic life. Between study, school and work, it seems nearly impossible to write. Doing it now though, sitting in this darkness with just my mind, I feel relieved, like the light I had been searching for in the back of my mind has finally been found. Reading back the past few pages, I smile at the thought of how things have changed. Back then, I would not have expected to see where I am now, in this present point in time.
I’ve been up and I’ve been down, I’ve been close to having to fight my depression, I have found times where the thought of dragging that all to familiar blade across my skin seemed ever so appealing. At times I have found myself in situations where I thought I would have to make decisions I could not live with, of hurting and destroying a certain life. I thank God every day for not forcing me the decision of doing that. There have been moments of self doubt and wanting to give up, but there have also been moments of excitement, the joy I have found in standing on my own two feet, despite how painful it can become at times.
I found my niche, after months of feeling lost, confused, out of place, I found somewhere to feel at home, with somebody whom I am past the point of comfortable with. With one look, it is evident how I feel, happy, complete and total happiness. Delirious I have come to call it, no other word can describe this feeling of wholeness and content. Nothing brings me down, it can get hard sometimes, the lack of sleep and distance from family, but at the end of the day I am at home, with you, with us and I can’t help but smile.
I got myself to where I am, I made decisions, some call them mistakes, but they were mine, every single one of them only brought me happiness. I regret nothing, and live for everything. I laugh at how some thought I really cared, their opinions, what they said. At the end of the day, you spent, and still do, 23 hours of your day, figuring out how to make mine miserable and unbearable, sorry to tell you Satan but you failed.
As easy as it is for some, I couldn’t and have realised I can’t describe in words how I feel. I assumed I could sit here tonight and just continuously write everything, every tiny detail in my mind. I want to, so very much but I know it’s impossible, no one would understand and there is not a single word that can describe the happiness in my smile and expression. So as easily as I can, I will say this:
I could not ask for anyone more amazing then you, anything more incredible and comfortable as us, you and I. Thank you for what you have given me, words cannot describe how you have helped me, changed me, allowed me to grow. It is you, and only who, who has stuck by me, stayed true to me, helped me with everything that goes in my crazy life. You made me realise I deserved better and more, you are perfect and if a moment ever comes where I have to lose you, I cannot imagine what I would do.
