It has been a while since I found the time to sit down, on my own, completely alone and just let my mind pour into words onto this blog of self expression and thought. But I have found a moment, of total isolation from my busy and sometimes hectic life. Between study, school and work, it seems nearly impossible to write. Doing it now though, sitting in this darkness with just my mind, I feel relieved, like the light I had been searching for in the back of my mind has finally been found. Reading back the past few pages, I smile at the thought of how things have changed. Back then, I would not have expected to see where I am now, in this present point in time.
I’ve been up and I’ve been down, I’ve been close to having to fight my depression, I have found times where the thought of dragging that all to familiar blade across my skin seemed ever so appealing. At times I have found myself in situations where I thought I would have to make decisions I could not live with, of hurting and destroying a certain life. I thank God every day for not forcing me the decision of doing that. There have been moments of self doubt and wanting to give up, but there have also been moments of excitement, the joy I have found in standing on my own two feet, despite how painful it can become at times.
I found my niche, after months of feeling lost, confused, out of place, I found somewhere to feel at home, with somebody whom I am past the point of comfortable with. With one look, it is evident how I feel, happy, complete and total happiness. Delirious I have come to call it, no other word can describe this feeling of wholeness and content. Nothing brings me down, it can get hard sometimes, the lack of sleep and distance from family, but at the end of the day I am at home, with you, with us and I can’t help but smile.
I got myself to where I am, I made decisions, some call them mistakes, but they were mine, every single one of them only brought me happiness. I regret nothing, and live for everything. I laugh at how some thought I really cared, their opinions, what they said. At the end of the day, you spent, and still do, 23 hours of your day, figuring out how to make mine miserable and unbearable, sorry to tell you Satan but you failed.
As easy as it is for some, I couldn’t and have realised I can’t describe in words how I feel. I assumed I could sit here tonight and just continuously write everything, every tiny detail in my mind. I want to, so very much but I know it’s impossible, no one would understand and there is not a single word that can describe the happiness in my smile and expression. So as easily as I can, I will say this:
I could not ask for anyone more amazing then you, anything more incredible and comfortable as us, you and I. Thank you for what you have given me, words cannot describe how you have helped me, changed me, allowed me to grow. It is you, and only who, who has stuck by me, stayed true to me, helped me with everything that goes in my crazy life. You made me realise I deserved better and more, you are perfect and if a moment ever comes where I have to lose you, I cannot imagine what I would do.
E.R.C <3
I look so pale and disgusting here but this was my last night in Uganda. I miss these boys so much, they truly made my trip amazing and incredible. The experience of a life time was made with these amazing people, and many more. I miss you and cannot wait until you come visit me Vince, and I come back to see you Maurice.
2 years, 6 months, 5 days, 15 hours, 14 minutes ago I made a promise to myself that I would never forgive you for running away and leaving me. In that 2 years, 6 months, 5 days, 15 hours and 14 minutes I have seen you for 1 month, 2 weeks and 2 days. 5 months and 3 weeks ago I broke that promise, I forgave you. And I’m so glad I did.
It’s funny how you can go so long knowing someone without speaking to them much, then one day they suddenly become all you ever think about. It’s crazy, how the power of one’s mind can take over total control of the body, without you even realising what’s going on. Needless to say, you become stuck, between what is real and what you are imagining. It can become confusing, hard to follow. Eventually you end up walking along this cold, long, dark, empty path, alone, scared for what’s ahead, frightened from what’s following behind. The mistakes of your past, loom, like shadows above you, making it harder to walk in the darkness surrounding you. One will never know the ability their mind can have to control, deceive, excite and enlighten themselves, beyond anything you have ever imagined. Life is scary, you are scary, we are scary, the world is ahead of us, but we are stuck, stuck in this lapse of time, unable to speak what we are really thinking, what is really going on in our minds.
Breaking Point
July 4, 2011
What do you do when you can’t hold onto everything you’ve got because you simply don’t want to anymore? It’s not what I imagined, nor how I imagined us to be. You are supposed to be this certain person and treat me in the best possible way, but you don’t. It’s like after a month you stopped caring and figured “I’ve got her now, so I don’t need to make effort and make her feel special”. Well guess what, you do, sometimes I need you to remind me how much you care, I don’t mean I want you to go and buy me cute presents and flowers every week, just make a little effort to make me feel special to you, to remind me that you want this too. I’m so scared and all I want to do is run away, I used to have a hundred strings tying me to you, and now there is barely one. I am stuck in this constant push and shove battle between giving up and giving it one more go. I’m leaning more towards pushing you away now, because you aren’t giving me a reason to stay.
Daydreaming
November 30, 2009
I watch the stars from my window sill, the whole world is moving and we’re standing still. I want to lie here and stop time forever, just you and me. Let’s lie here and never stop dreaming of what we could become We’re perfect, just you and me.
Wow my second post, I remember who this was about, I think he knows who he is, maybe he will when he reads this.
We find our way into each other’s arms so easily, and at the best times, making it more amazing than ever.
